The Art of Letting Go: How to Release What You Cannot Control and Find Inner Peace

Peace Begins With Release

My life was literally falling apart. Everything that could go wrong was happening. The more I tried to repair one thing, another fire needed to be put out. The person who thought she was able to control everything realized she could not control what was happening around her. I kept trying to fix everything: my finances, my mother’s dementia, my career, and my personal life. I kept replaying scenarios and conversations, wondering how I could have done things differently. My faith was not strong enough to sustain the scripture “cast all your cares on him because he cares for you.” The emotional weight of control was so heavy. I did not know how to let go of what I could not control. The weight of it all sent me spiraling into depression. It would not be until many years later that I learned the art of letting go.

The emotional weight of control often shows up as perfectionism. It says, I have this neat and tidy life and will not let one thing slip out of place because if it does, I will have to face the reality: I am not perfect. In a world of perfectionism, there is no peace because anything can come in at any moment and destroy your perfect world. Living under that pressure leaves you little room to be anything other than in control. Let us face it, as much as we would like to, we cannot control everything. Some people never realize this and are in constant turmoil, but peace grows when we release what was never ours to carry. It is at this moment that we must come to realize that letting go is not a weakness, but it is wisdom.

What Does “Letting Go” Really Mean?

Let us first pinpoint what letting go is not.

Letting go is not giving up. It is not throwing your hands up and failing to deal with the situation. It simply means you are going to deal with what is within the parameters of your control and release what is not. Knowing that if you take care of what you can, the rest will work itself out.

Letting go is not being careless. It is not making decisions that can cause irreparable harm to you or others because you failed to consider how your actions and choices will affect them.

Letting go is also not ignoring responsibility. Taking charge and being accountable for the things you should be responsible for will eventually help you find inner peace.

And lastly, letting go is not becoming passive. It is not letting life happen to you because life is overwhelming. It is taking action and having the courage to change the things you can and accept the things you cannot. But more importantly, wisdom to know the difference.

What “letting go” actually means.

Letting go is releasing attachment to outcomes. So often, we have a picture in our mind of how a situation should turn out. If it does not turn out the way we planned, we can become angry, disgruntled, and disheartened. Releasing the idea that the outcome may not be what you planned frees you up to accept reality as it really is.

Letting go is redirecting energy toward what you can influence. Putting all your energy into what you can change can only help the situation. It helps you not to feel powerless and take decisive action toward a better outcome.

And finally, letting go is choosing emotional freedom over control.Having the ability to learn from and manage feelings without being reactive, while releasing the need to control every facet of a situation, is at the heart of the term letting go.

The Illusion of Control

We often try to control things that we absolutely have no control over. As much as we may try, there are several things we just cannot control. Here are a few.

1. Other people’s opinions. What other people think, feel, or believe cannot be controlled, no matter how much we may try to influence the situation. People’s opinions come from their experiences or lack thereof.
2. Timing. When something happens to us, it is often left to divine timing. Of course, there are events we can predict, like graduations or a birthday party, but who we will marry, the friends who become family, all depend on timing.
3. Outcomes. This one is tough. We can put our heart and soul into a project, a job, or a person, but there is no guarantee we will get the desired results for our efforts. We cannot control if things will turn out as planned.
4. The past. Once something has happened, good or bad, we cannot go back in time and change it. No matter how much we may want to, we just cannot. All we can do is apologize for the bad and try to replicate the good.
5. How others respond to us. Someone may not like you, and it could have nothing to do with you. You might remind them of an ex, they could be having a difficult day, or you remind them of someone who was cruel to them once, and they may have displaced anger towards you. You have absolutely no control over how someone responds to you.

Often, when we think we are controlling situations, many times it is really out of our hands.

There are actually two circles of control: what you can control and what you cannot control.

Here are a few things you can control.

1. Your thoughts. What you choose to think about is totally up to you. You can focus on the positive or the negative. The choice is yours.
2. Your effort. How much time and effort you put into a person or situation is up to you. Good effort often yields satisfactory results.
3. Your boundaries. Having access to you should be limited and restricted. Clear boundaries need to be in place in order to have peace.
4. Your response. Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% of how you react to it.

Here are some things you cannot control.

1. Others’ behavior. You cannot control someone else’s behavior, but you can choose how you respond to it.
2. The past. You cannot change the past. You can only learn from it.
3. Unexpected change. When faced with unexpected change, try to focus on what you can control and let go of what you cannot.
4. External outcomes. Success is not determined by the outcome. The outcome is the result of having already decided that you are successful to begin with.

Anxiety lives in the second circle. Peace lives in the first.

Why Holding On Creates Inner Turmoil

When we do not release what stresses us, it causes mental exhaustion. The job ending, losing a loved one either by death or abandonment, or our part in a chaotic life, can cause us to begin a war in the battlefield of the mind. We begin obsessing about how we could have done things differently or how we wish the situation were different.

Then we begin overthinking. Replaying scenarios in our heads, having constant worry and anxiety over things that may or may not happen, and trying to predict what will happen next.

We must face that certain things are out of our control, but we can decide a plan of action to accept the things we cannot change and change the things we can. The Serenity Prayer from AA states, “GOD grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.”  Remembering this can relieve some of your anxiety.

Holding on also produces resentment. We begin to resent the people, jobs, and communities we are a part of.

At its core, resentment is stored anger. It often grows from repeated disappointments, unresolved conflict, betrayal, or perceived injustice. When left unprocessed, resentment becomes more than a feeling; it becomes a mindset. A mindset that can change who you are as a person.

It can block peace because you are so fixated on the hurt that you cannot heal, leading to illnesses and emotional tension. Resentment can show up as depression, stress, high blood pressure, emotional distance, passive-aggressive behavior, and reduced empathy. Long-term resentment is not only unhealthy but also costly.

When we hold on tightly to what stresses us, we restrict the flow of the good things that can come into our lives. When we release, we create room for calm and peace.

5 Gentle Steps to Practice Letting Go

Letting go can be a challenging task to do, but here are five steps to help make the process a little easier.

1. Name What You are Trying to Control.  

Being aware of what needs to be managed is the first step in releasing it. Without acknowledging our stressors, we cannot conquer them.

2. Ask:” Is This Mine to Carry?”

Sometimes we take on others’ burdens without even realizing it. Before we know it, we are carrying the weight of the world on our shoulders, and it was not ours to carry in the first place.

3. Separate Effort from Outcome

You can control the effort you put into a task, but you do not control the result. Sometimes you will put earnest effort into something and may not get the desired result, but as long as you know you gave your best, you should not feel too disappointed.

4. Practice Mindful Awareness

To ground yourself in the present with intention, you can do the following: breath work, journaling, gratitude practice, stillness, and prayer. These have all helped me in letting go.

5. Replace Control with Trust

Trust God’s timing. Trust that you will grow through what you go through. Trust that peace is more valuable than being right. Trust that everything will work out for your good.

The Emotional Freedom That Follows

When you finally let go of what has been troubling you, it will feel as though you laid aside a ton of bricks. It will feel as though you laid aside a burden that was not yours to carry alone. What once had you bound has loosened its grip, and your spirit begins to feel free.   

Friend, the emotional freedom you acquire in this season allows you to breathe and gain the peace that is slowly finding its way back to you. The peace that escaped you in the last season.

You will begin to experience the lightness that comes with letting go.

Sometimes, the very thing we are holding onto is what is keeping peace from resting in our hands. When we choose release, we choose relief. And in that release, we rediscover calm.

With this calm and peace, you will begin to experience lighter thoughts. The thoughts that once weighed you down will disappear.

You will also have softer reactions to situations you cannot control. Empathy will return, and passive-aggressive behaviors will be no more.

As a result of your newfound peace, you will also experience some of the best sleep you ever had. Yes, better sleep comes with letting go.

Your boundaries will also be non-negotiable. Stronger boundaries allow you to keep the peace you have rightfully gained.

And finally, you will have more joy. When you are burdened and full of resentment, it is difficult to experience true joy.

Inner peace grows when we let go of all that weighs us down.

Letting Go is a Daily Practice

Every day, you must choose to set aside the weight that so easily besets you. Letting go is a daily practice that can make the difference between a peaceful life or one filled with chaos and anxiety.

Letting go is not a one-time decision. It is a choice you make again and again, day after day.

Letting go is choosing peace over pressure. Choosing to stay at peace when all around you may be chaotic is an act of emotional maturity.

Letting go is reclaiming your power. You will now have the power to control your emotions even when you may not be able to control your circumstances

Here are 3 journal prompts to help you let go.

1. What situation am I trying to control now?
2. What part of the situation is truly in my power?
3. What would it feel like to release the rest?

Friend, you were never meant to carry the entire weight of the world on your shoulders.

Release what is not yours.

Protect your peace.

Choose calm.

Let go.

If you are ready to live life more intentionally:

• Download the 30-Day Gratitude Journal and start tending your heart daily.
• Join our email community for encouragement, tools, and gentle reminders to live intentionally.
• Share this post with someone who may need a little more peace in their life right now.

We are building something beautiful here; a space where peace is practiced, gratitude is honored, and contentment is possible.

And I am so grateful you’re on this journey with me.